I was talking to a close friend this weekend. She’s younger and passionate and she absolutely loves sex (which part of why I love her so much). I was telling her how Lumberjack gets really bummed on Sunday and Monday evenings because he knows they’re no-go nights. She was intrigued. “Why no-go nights?”, she asked. “Because I’m glued to the TV watching football and I wind up either going to bed really late, well after Lumberjack, or falling asleep on the couch. Neither is conducive to sex. It’s not like I’m going to go asking for it at midnight after he’s been asleep for 2 hours, right?”, I said. Right?
I really thought this was totally obvious. Like 1+1 equaling two. This was definitive. I mean, not one woman I know would actively initiate sex in this scenario. Until I saw her face. Which was scrunched up in all sorts of contorted confusion. “Wait, why not? Why would you ever NOT want to have sex?”….I swear, I nearly spit my wine all over her gorgeous face. After I regained my composure, which took a solid five minutes, we had an extended conversation about exactly why many women would not want to have sex and still, she couldn’t understand. I kept hammering, as is my nature, saying “but you haven’t been with your partner for 15 years…but you haven’t been married…but you haven’t had kids….but you haven’t been SOOOOOOO tired.” But, but, but. And then, right when I was nearly out of breath from huffing and puffing at the obviousness of it all, she said the most amazing thing: “Ok maybe not, but it sounds like you’re just making really bad excuses.”
Did she just call me out on everything I am always preaching to you guys? Hell, I started Sexy As A Mother to avoid this very line of thinking! The premise of this brand is no more excuses; no more excuses as to why we aren’t connecting with our husbands like we used to, no more excuses to avoid sex. The Sexy As A Mother premise is to make sex unbelievably satisfying so we initiate it and crave it. What happened to all my Kool-Aid?! Had I stopped drinking it?
It was a really startling moment for me where I started asking myself all the questions we are too scared to answer: Am I not doing enough? Am I not walking the walk and just talking the talk? Am I preaching the unattainable? This really shook my core. Because everything I do, everything I write, everything I post, everything I sell comes from a place of pure honesty and the idea that I might be putting out ideas that aren’t really, truly freaked me out.
But eventually dust settles and after mine did, I realized some really important things that we need to remind ourselves of every day. And I mean every…single…day.
While the excuses are real and while they suck, we can’t let them overtake us. We have to commit to work against them, to sneak over when we come to bed after they do, to make it a date night at home if the sitter cancels, to remind him that you love him even when he does that thing that just infuriates or annoys the crap out of you.
We can’t be everything, every day. We can’t hold ourselves to an unattainable standard where we have to be the best mom AND the best wife AND cool AND sexy AND have all our stuff tucked in and perfect. It’s ok to not be all of these things in a day because THAT is what is unattainable. So you don’t have to want sex every day or wear gorgeous lingerie every day or send sexts every day. You just have to commit to doing it some days. And by “some days” I mean more often than just birthdays and holidays.
We can enjoy sex and not want it all the time. They are not mutually exclusive. I love sex. I love that it’s now better than it’s ever been. I love that I orgasm every single time and sometimes multiple times. I love that it’s an amazing elixir of stress release and bonding. And I am ok that even given all that, I still only want to do it 2-4x a week. I can still be sexy and flirty and turn Lumberjack (and myself!) on and not feel the need to do it constantly.
Maybe this is the manifesto I should’ve written when I launched Sexy As A Mother (formerly called Flirty Girl) but sometimes we aren’t ready for what we really want to say. And while I could’ve done without the identity crisis, I’m so thankful my friend called me out. Because we all need to be called out sometimes and re-evaluate what we’re doing and why. Because being a flirty mama and unlocking your sexiest self is no small order. It’s work. Each and every day. And I am the first (and loudest) one to admit that some days I don’t want to show up. So trust me when I say I get it. I get that it’s hard and it’s tiring and it’s sometimes the last thing you want to do. I am in this with you and no one understands what you’re up against better than me. I have c-section scars that I hate and boobs that sag lower than I care to admit and I am sometimes so annoyed at Lumberjack that I can’t even look at him no less fuck him. We are in this together, you and me. But if I can do it, so can you. Because everything that’s worth something takes effort.
So what will I do next Sunday and Monday nights? You can bet it will involve the bed, not the couch, and the only one screaming “touchdown!” will be me 😉 XOXO