I get lots of things said about me. Good things, bad things and lots in between. I try not to let the good stuff go to my head and I equally try not to let the bad stuff get me down. Having thick skin is hard but I try, I really do. Sometimes, though, people say things and it’s not that it offends me as much as it makes me think. I’m constantly analyzing and ruminating and picking things apart to figure out why I do what I do, why I feel what I feel and what is the real motivation behind my actions.
So when someone recently said I must have a confidence problem if I need people to see my ass splayed all over the place, I really stopped and thought about it. Was that true? Is the desire to be sexy just a cover-up for self consciousness? Is celebrating your beauty in a sexual way a secret sign of low self-esteem?
The easy answer is HELL NO. Just…no. Not at all. Not even a little bit. But while I knew the essential answer, I wondered if there was a more complicated one to be considered. Turns out there is and while it’s still HELL NO, it has more rational, less knee-jerk reasons for being so.
First, the kind of sexy I promote, the kind that I urge you to uncover in yourself, is a pathway to empowerment. Feeling and looking sexy is merely a conduit to a more empowered you. When I started this brand it wasn’t just to sell sex toys nor was it to talk about the private details of my sex life. It was to help women unlock their sexiest selves because I know, I KNOW, that feeling sexy makes you feel powerful, it makes you feel confident and with that comes a deluge of other positive benefits. In fact, the kind of sexy I try to harness in myself and in others is the exact opposite of a cover-up; it’s an unveiling…of our inherent amazingness, of our self worth, of our selves.
Second, there is nothing sexy about low self-esteem and any attempts to use seduction as a screen for a less-than-stellar self view is an ugly thing to watch. Trust me, you know it when you see it. It looks sad. It looks desperate. And none of those adjectives could ever be used to describe me or Sexy As A Mother.
Third, my decision to showcase my ass (among other body parts) is more of an attempt to cheer you on than anything else. So often we are told what’s wrong with us, what doesn’t look right, what others hate and therefore what we must hate in ourselves. Muffin tops. Saggy boobs. Cellulite. All the hallmarks of being a woman who’s actually lived. And I just think we could all use a new kind of cheerleader. One who is there telling you that you actually ARE gorgeous as you are, that you CAN be sexy as hell, that your husband DOES want you. And I guess one of the ways I do that is by shaking both my actual (and proverbial) pom-poms. I say these things loudly and often because you need to hear them. And believe them. And act on them. Which doesn’t mean you need to splay your ass all over the place like I do (and by the way, I do that because, given the nature of this business, finding someone else to say “yes! use my photos!” is kind of like stumbling onto a unicorn). It means that you decide to wear jeans instead of yoga pants a few days a week. It means you organize date nights. It means you initiate sex the way you want to have it.
Fourth, and this is less a reason and more a relevant observation, I might be seen as sexy sometimes (anyone who’s seen me on a bad mommy day may beg to differ) but I am never the prettiest girl in the room. Nor am I the thinnest. Nor the coyest. And I most certainly don’t have the best boobs. So why do I give off that vibe? I tap into the fact that sexiness is much more a state of mind than a state of dress. You can be fully clothed and covered up to your nose and still be the sexiest girl in the room by owning who you are. Self confidence is THE magic ingredient to being sexy. And I own who I am…warts, faults, mistakes and all. How do you unlock the sexy hiding in you? Figure out who you are, who you inherently are – not who you want the world to think you are – and own it. That’s when you can truly unveil your sexiest self. It’s probably why men say they prefer women with less makeup…it lets them see who we really are and as it turns out, that’s the us they like best. How great is that?
Maybe the person who thinks I’m covering up some secret self consciousness is still trying to figure out who she inherently is. It’s ok. It takes time. I’ll keep cheerleading for her too. XOXO