I would say 90% of the time, I’m very satisfied with the sex I’m having. Maybe you think because I founded Flirty Girl and have a wealth of toys and tricks at my disposal that the number should be higher. I’d love it to be 100% but I’m willing to be honest and real and admit that not EVERY time is pure ecstasy. I have kids who run into our bedroom when I think they’re dead asleep. I have quickies when we are engulfed by family and can’t get any alone time. I live a real life and by extension have real sex. And that means sometimes some of the nookie falls short, although it’s pretty rare.
I’ve sort of accepted the subpar 10% as a normal margin of error. Not necessarily noteworthy and until very recently, not that full of insight. But a few weeks ago, I had pretty mediocre sex and while the lightning flashes weren’t happening in my crotch, they were happening in my head; suddenly, I had about a million thoughts running through my brain and low and behold, here we are with something noteworthy and insightful to say.
But first, an important disclaimer: the meh sex I’m about to describe is in NO WAY a reflection of Lumberjack’s skill set. When I started this company and told him that “oh by the way, I’m going to be writing about our sex life,” we made a deal that I would never say anything disparaging about his abilities in bed. And this post and this disclaimer are not violations of that because what happened on the so-so sex night had absolutely NOTHING to do with Lumberjack. Or his skills. Or any other totally amazing prowess he possesses. This isn’t me blowing smoke us his ass. This is the truth. He rocks in bed and I’m damn lucky I get to screw him as much as I want. There. That’s out of the way. So back to the so-so sex….
I’m going to take the honesty thing a step farther and say that for many, many, MANY years, I accepted that sex was just okay. I was young and I didn’t know what I liked and I was way too focused on pleasing the guy on top of me to bother paying attention to whether I was enjoying myself or not. That all changed as I hit my 30s and found an amazing partner in Lumberjack. Sex turned awesome and I think until this particularly mediocre episode a few weeks ago, I had forgotten what meh sex can be like….and more importantly, how it can make you feel (and I’ll get to that in a minute).
Lots of women come to me and want to make sex better. They want orgasms and to have fun in bed, either again or for the first time. They are tired of having obligatory, “we should because it’s been a while” sex. And because my sex life is normally so satisfying, my recent so-so shag reminded me of things I might have merely sympathized with versus actually empathized with. And when you’re in the business of understanding women, empathy is everything.
So what did I figure out that night a few weeks ago?
For starters, if that is the kind of sex that you are having then NO WONDER you don’t want to do it, no less do it more often! So-so sex sucks. Sorry, but it does. Sometimes it hurts because you’re not turned on enough. Sometimes it’s labor intensive because you’re just trying to get him to finish because you know you won’t and therefore just want it to be over. Each and every time it leaves you feeling a little empty. Who would want to do that? No one. No one would want to do that. So if that’s the kind of sex you normally have, I don’t blame you for not wanting to do more of it.
Not only that, mediocre sex builds resentment. I’ve said this before but it bears repeating: giving your body to another when you are not enjoying the act in which your body is engaged is the fastest way to breed bitterness toward your partner. Read that again. If you do not enjoy what you are doing, stop doing it or find a way to turn it into something you enjoy.
Here’s another disclaimer: giving to him because you love him and it’s his birthday and he loves anal and it’s a gift of sorts is one thing; continually engaging in unfulfilling sex is quite another and if that’s what you’re doing, we need to find you a way to tip the scales back in your favor. You deserve to enjoy the sex you are having. It’s your right. If it’s not happening, tell me and we will fix it. It’s important. It has value beyond a simple muscle spasm, also know as an orgasm, and when I was younger I missed that point. Now it’s my job to make sure you don’t.
OI’m lucky. Meh sex is very few and far between for me these days and I know others can’t say the same thing. But that’s part of the Flirty Girl mission, to make sure the sex you’re having rocks, to make sure that you’re fulfilled in your sexual experiences whatever they may be, and to make sex something you WANT to do versus something you HAVE to do. So while I may not have felt this way in the moment, I’m actually happy the sex was so-so that night. It reminded me why I do this. And it gave me renewed insight into how hard it can be to have good, fulfilling sex. And hopefully it reminds you that we are all in this together, that none of us lives a perfect life. We’re in the same boat, you and me, and we are all rowing to a better shore together one great shag at a time. XOXO