• Brooke Christian

It’s crazy to think sex is vulnerable to trends but it’s true. Just like our clothes, our makeup and our music, apparently what we do in bed is also subject to the hot/not list. Example: when I was in college in the late 90s, not one person (NOT ONE!) talked about anal sex no less actually engaged in it. Fast forward to today where anal sex is so common, so pervasive and so part of our sexual vernacular that teenagers view it as the logical “next step” after a blowjob. You read that right; not vaginal sex, anal sex. I have no idea how or when our asses took center stage but somewhere along the line they did. And when anal sex becomes as common as the missionary position, you know the torch is officially ready to be passed.

So what is the next big thing in bed? Well, it’s got all the hallmarks of things I love: female pleasure, exclusivity and elusiveness.

I’m talking about squirting. Female ejaculation. A wet orgasm. Whatever name you want to attach to it, it feels like lately, I can’t escape it. It’s everywhere. Guys are bragging about it. Women are trying to achieve it. Toys are promising to deliver it. It’s even hit the dinner party circuit; the other night at a friend’s house, over crostini’s and gimlets, someone actually polled the table about who has and has not squirted (for the curious, only one diner had experienced it).

I consider myself a fairly hip and cool chick so once I realized squirting was becoming part of the sexual zeitgeist, I needed to know everything about it: how it happens, what it is specifically (is it pee?) but most importantly, what it feels like. Enter the research phase…#bestjobever.

Most women I polled have actually never had one but are extremely curious. Those who have reported it as extremely messy. Since I haven’t yet had the luxury of experiencing one personally, I have to reply on porn and other women for reference points. And yes, it looks pretty messy. In my attempts to squirt, I’ve made sure to have the old sheets on the bed.

Here’s the good news from what I’ve learned: squirting is solely about YOUR pleasure. Your partner might get some great self esteem from giving you a wet orgasm but his climax doesn’t really change. The elusive squirt is the result of intense g-spot stimulation combined with being in a super duper relaxed state. It’s not actually pee and the liquid projected is almost undefinable.

Here’s the bad news from what I’ve learned: squirting sets us (and our partners) up for some pretty high expectations that might be impossible to achieve. Some women (me included) aren’t even sure their g-spot exists no less can be stimulated to the point of projectile ejaculation! And as any woman who’s had bad oral sex can attest, there’s nothing worse in bed than trying too hard at something that might never happen.

So if they’re so messy and somewhat elusive why are they so pervasive? It may simply be the result of male ego. Getting a woman to have a plain old vanilla orgasm apparently isn’t good enough anymore. Too ordinary. Too pedestrian. Too common. And we all know if men want to be the best at anything, it’s screwing. So if almost any guy can give a woman a regular orgasm, it’s a precious few who can claim they get her to not only climax but squirt. It’s a sexual badge of honor these days. The ultimate in bragging rights.

Male ego factor aside, anything that promotes women enjoying the heck out of sex is an idea worth supporting. And what better way to show my support than to experiment with achieving it?!

To start, I bought the Njoy Pure Wand. It’s the gold standard in g-spot orgasms. Every review gushes with superlatives of achieving unmatched pleasure from it’s ergonomically curved stainless steel rod. While extremely pleasurable, I wasn’t getting the OMG YES reaction from the Njoy like I’d hoped. And certainly no signs of squirting. Time to bring in Lumberjack from the warm-up pit. He’s been more than happy to try his best efforts but, sadly, to no avail. I’ve had some AMAZING orgasms as a result of this science project but alas, none of the squirting varietal.

Which, of course, makes me wonder if all this squirt talk is really just a big sham, something the porn industry puts out to make women feel even worse about what we can’t achieve. So many women come to me frustrated because they can’t even have a regular orgasm; now we have to shame them into thinking they’re not sexy enough because they can’t have a wet orgasm too? As much as I love the squirting wave promoting female pleasure, I hate that it’s simultaneously making women feel sexually “less than.” We have enough pressure to enjoy ourselves; we certainly don’t need another act to add to our list, even if it is supposed to take us to the promised land.

I’m not giving up though. I’m on a mission to get this. Yes, because it’s my job to know these things but also because I want to experience something I’ve never done before. It’s part of my sexual growth and I believe we can’t keep having great sex unless we push the limits of what we know and enjoy. But if I ultimately fail and never achieve the squirting orgasm of my dreams, that’s ok. No matter what happens to my bed sheets, whether they stay dry or get destroyed by a super soaker, I know I’m not sexually inferior. And neither are you, squirter or not.

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