While I was filming a particularly horrible video demo last week, I stumbled onto a concept I find really intriguing: the difference between just agreeing to sex vs actually wanting sex. As soon as I said it out loud, I was blown away by how far apart those two things are. And possibly how prevalent. Think about it: how many of us are merely saying yes to our husbands (who are offering it by either directly asking or indirectly hinting) versus actively initiating it? Are you just saying yes to him when he makes his move? Or are you energetically inviting him to shag you? I’m willing to bet we…the moms, the tired, the busy, the stressed…are agreeing to sex way more than we are pursuing it. If my hunch is right, man, that really sucks for us.
I am totally guilty of it. Even now, when my sex life is the most fun and satisfying it’s ever been, I still sometimes fall pray to agreeing to sex…he comes over, he makes a few moves, I do some quick math in my head about how long it’s been and when our next chance is, how long will it take, etc. and then I make a decision. I either let him keep going or I teasingly push him away and tell him to stop multiple times until he gets the message and leaves me alone.
This scenario…I know nearly all of you reading this are nodding your heads in agreement, knowing full well that you do this too. We roll our eyes at our men. We whine “not tonight.” We push their hands away. And I don’t know about you, but I always feel like crap when I do this to Lumberjack because I know it makes him feel badly or rejected which is never my intention. And even though I know, intellectually, that the sex I have when I initiate it is WAY better than the sex that I merely agree to, I still, STILL merely agree sometimes. Have you ever noticed that? If not, do an experiment. Analyze the sex you agree to versus the sex you initiate. It’s probably very different.
So if desired sex is way better than agreement sex, how do we flip that switch? How do we trade agreement for initiative? I wish I had a good answer. The easy explanation would be great sex…orgasms that rock…things that excite like toys or gorgeous lingerie…total satisfaction in bed. But I have that. And a lot of you have been honest with me that you have that too. And yet we still merely agree half the time which means that awesome sex is clearly not the easy fix.
So what is the magic answer? I don’t know for sure but I have two theories…
1. Figure out what turns you on, I mean really, really makes you hot, and incorporate that into your daily life. Do you get ridiculously aroused when you watch porn? If so, do that before you turn the lights off and crawl into bed next to him. Does reading erotica make you hot and bothered and needy? There’s a reason why every man in America was thrilled when we all read 50 Shades of Grey…because we all were horny as hell and wanted to pretend we were Anastasia and Christian.
2. Practice. I have a feeling that making this switch is a lot like working out. You need to sort of force yourself to do it at first and after a while your body gets used to it and actually craves it. We need to actively WORK to desire sex using the things that turn us on. So if it’s porn, commit to watching it. If it’s wearing sexy underwear every day, go out and buy new skivvies and promise yourself you’ll wear them without fail. I think we might have to train ourselves to desire sex. Which sucks because that’s just another thing we need to work on – as if our asses and abs and jobs weren’t enough – but the benefits from this kind of mental exercise could possible outweigh those from the gym. Less stress, more confidence, more intimacy and better connections with our partners…sounds pretty tempting if you ask me.
I wish I could tie up this piece with a nice and neat resolution like 5 sure-fire tips to make it all better. But I can’t. Because I have just as many questions as you do. And I struggle with this just like everyone else. But I guess the difference is that I’m willing to try to find the answer. Because the one thing I know for sure, the thing I’m absolutely positive about, is that the sex that I initiate is sheet-grabbing amazing. And unlike so many things in life, that kind of self-indulgence is actually good for me. So I’m going to keep giving it to myself. Even if it takes work. I’m worth it. And so are you. xo